A Supportive God

This is the post where I write five reasons why I have trouble believing in a supportive god. Before I get started though, I would like to point out that this isn't an assignment I want to do. I'm doing it because I'm aware that it will explore my feels towards a god I believe in. And if I have issues with Him, I should talk to him about them. So, here's why.

1. I've always believed that God would help me do the things He wanted me to do, and for some reason that always made me believe that He wouldn't help me with the things I wanted to do. So, I've believed He would help me with missionary work, institute attendance, my callings in church, employment, and so forth. I just didn't think He had the energy to spare His attention for things that weren't essential.

2. For many years, I didn't believe that anyone loved me besides my mother, so why would God?

3. I also didn't believe that anyone cared enough about me to help me when I asked, not even my mother, so why would God?

4. I keep thinking that I should be pursuing something else rather than creativity. Like my mother says that I should be concentrating on my kids. This chops me up. I have no idea how to do that. I read to them. I'll read to them endlessly. I cook with them. I invite them to do a kid version of whatever thing I'm doing. I'm painting - I let them paint too. I'm crocheting, I let them plastic canvas or bead. But it's never enough. I'm always being told that they're not progressing as they should and I need to do more. I don't know how. I don't even like kid culture. The thing is - for some reason I think the voice of my mother is the voice of God. Not really, but yes - really. And if she disapproves - God must too.

5. Sometimes I'm not sure that my art deserves God's approval. If I'm writing a book solely as a rebuttal to a crappy book I read - that doesn't seem particularly worthy of God's sanction, now does it?

So, with this list - I've done pretty well dispelling 1, 2, and 3, but 4 and 5 are hard. Let's go through each of them again with a little more thinking behind each one.

1. The older I get the more I see that the things I want to do are not out of line with what God wants. I've spoken with Him a lot and I've become accustomed to how He speaks to me now. He wants me to make my own decisions and see what happens. He wants me to have the experience of life and He doesn't want to protect me from minor screw-ups. Well, sometimes He doesn't. Sometimes He does. The point is - He will swoop in and rescue me when I need it and He'll let me fall face first in the mud if I need it. He's really a very wise parent. It just took me awhile to learn how He speaks.

Lately, in my church they keep talking about good, better, and best. Thus, we are supposed to aim for the best things. Somewhere in my mind, that means that we're supposed to dedicate every moment we can to the highest of spiritual things, but that's not really possible. I think we're supposed to remember to take enough time for them and then - live life the best way you can. Sometimes that means watching a movie. Sometimes that means taking a nap as soon as you get up. Everyone has down times. We're human and we deserve them. You can't live your whole life on 100% efficiency.

2. As I have grown up, I see the people who care for my children. There are scads of them. It seems unreasonably pessimistic to believe that fewer people cared for me. Not only that, but my husband's passion for loving me opens a world of possibility and makes life less dreary than ever before.

3. I think my mother unconsciously taught me that no one would ever help me. I remember sitting on a bus stop in my early twenties crying my eyes out and screaming and swearing because it was minus twenty five outside and I had missed my bus. The next one wasn't coming for 45 minutes and if I missed the bus than how could God or anyone else claim to love me when I had had the shoddiest day in the universe and would now have to wait 45 minutes for the bus in the cold and wind and snow? The bus pulled up. That's not my only proof that God wants to help me.

But as I have grown up - I have scads of resources available to me that I didn't have when I was growing up. The only thing a person has to do is ask and I'll dish it out. I just don't know what people need so they have to speak up. I think my mom taught me never to speak up. But she didn't do it on purpose and she's often got angry with me. "If you needed that, then why didn't you say so?"

4. I've often wondered exactly how much God supports me when it comes to raising my children. Sometimes I think he takes care of a lot more than I realize. My negative side tells me that my kids go to special programs because I'm a shoddy mother. My positive side tells me that God knows this is my weak point and He's helping me with my kids with the special programs.

5. I think the reason my writing is unworthy of God's approval because my writing is usually as moth eaten as my soul. I don't think I have an uplifting story in me, so why would he want to drag everyone down?

I'll have to think about this one some more.