Five Great Things About Baby Me

This post is exactly what it sounds like. I get to list five things that I liked about myself as a child, or moments where I loved myself best.

1. I am a narcissist. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. There is no law or reason behind it. No one needs to be chipping compliments at my heels for me to feel this way. It also has nothing to do with my performance in different areas of my life. It didn't matter if I was picked last for sports (and I usually was), or if I couldn't find a partner for a class project, or if I got crappy grades, or if all the boys thought another girl was prettier - I just always felt that I was amazing.

I remember when I was in grade one, a little boy who was richer, smarter and more athletic than I was came up to me and said, "You're weird." Then he walked away and the only thing I thought was, "He noticed how special I am." Actually, now that I remember it, I think he was jealous of my confidence. Even though he had all that stuff going for him - I think losing mattered a lot more to him. I don't need to win every time to be amazing.

2. Storytelling. You know, I have always wanted to tell stories. When I was a kid, I used to love making up scenarios for make-believe play.

Particularly, I wrote a story when I was in grade two that really impressed my teacher. When I had half of it done, she read it (checking for errors) and I could tell by her face that she was blown away by how good it was. I botched the ending and she wasn't terribly impressed after that, but the reality was that I needed to learn how to end something. I'm good at cooking up scenarios. The key is to figure out what adventure you would like to have and then write it.

3. Unspoilt. When I was a kid, I didn't feel dragged down by depression. I think my depression set in when I was about nine, but before that I was so happy. I was happy just by little things.

I was happy when my mom made the snack for my birthday when I was in kindergarten. She made lime jell-o. I was happy when my dad bought me a slurpee on our way home from town. I was happy when I had a dime to spend one penny candies at the store. I was happy when my brother played cards with me.

After I was nine it was almost like I was ashamed to be pleased by such small things when there were such big things wrong in my life.

4. Riding Bikes. This has probably been ruined for me forever by my injured tailbone, but when I was a kid, I loved riding my bike to school. I had a bike with red sparkles and a banana seat, so it was easy to stick another kid behind me. Actually, I had completely forgotten how happy it made me.

5. Irresponsibility. Yeah, like most children, I totally took it for granted that I didn't have to do anything. I love how carefree I used to feel back then. Now, I am so stressed all the time. I keep trying to tell myself that even though I have a lot to do and a lot to worry about that I don't have to worry. If I don't make it to such-and-such appointment, the world will not collapse. I always fear that people will think I'm irresponsible or flighty and the feeling seems to stop me from feeling happy.

I used to feel the freest when I was walking home from school. Usually, there was nothing that I had to do - no where I had to be. I don't remember being bogged down by homework much and just that feeling with my light backpack in my hand as I walked the two blocks home from school was so sweet. I wonder if I'll ever feel that free again.