My Payoff

This is the post where I am supposed to describe the payoff I get for staying blocked.

You know I'm not sure what my payoff is, but I feel like there's one there, lurking under the surface of me. I can't see it, but I know it's there. I know there's some sick warm dirty little pleasure I get from not getting on with my art. I'm going to make a list of my suspects and see who I looks right when I check out the line up at the end.

1. There's no pay cheque.
2. There's not necessarily anyone who will stand around and admire me.
3. I get impatient with myself because of the learning curve and think 'why bother?'
4. I can get the same thing cheaper at the mall.
5. I can get the same thing with a lot less work at the mall.
6. I feel like there's no money to pursue it.
7. I like doing nothing around the house.
8. I want to be the poor-little-girl-who-never-had-anyone-help-her-in-her-whole-miserable-life?
9. I don't think that my efforts are as good as other people's.
10. I like to smother other people's dreams by discouraging them when I've got nothing on the go.

Okay, there's ten. I think the winners are 8, 9, and 10, but I think the biggest one is number 9. I really think this sometimes and then I feel sorry for myself. I love to feel sorry for myself. I love to sit around and have the most elaborate pity party where I'm the party girl in a faded skirt and a limp party hat.

Why am I like this?

Really. I always had so much confidence when it came to dating. I was always this golden girl who was bestowed with magical powers to attract the guys. I always thought that any guy who was on a date with me was practically floating in a cloud above me. Why was I so self assured when it came to that and so wimpy when it comes to my art?

It's because I think I'm stupid with poor fine motor skills. I think my writing must be stupid. If I sent it in to a publishing company - they'd read it and giggle, "And she thinks even a preteen would be interested in this? What a joke!" And I do have poor fine motor skills compared to other artists. My art is very symmetrical and geometric. It's not fine art. It's a story that I want to tell with a picture instead of a novel. But it's not finely detailed - it's chunky. And anyone looking at it can see the chunks.

I just finished a painting yesterday and I put it up on the piano. This places it next to a painting my mother did when she was 17. CHUNKY! Hers is delicate and precise and mine is CHUNKY! I'm trying not to be discouraged, even though 17 is a speck on my horizon. Yeah - awhile ago.

I think I just like comparing myself to others and feeling sorry for myself.