An English Moment

Okay, so I am a freaking brat. This is something that is not always true about me, but when it comes to my writing - I am a freaking brat. Also, just as a side note: one time I was talking to my boss at work about how I was jealous of a certain professional writer that I know, and I told her that I never get jealous over other things besides writing. I never get jealous if a girl is prettier than me (I have a Scarlett O'hara mentality, which means that I think I can charm the pants off someone without having to be pretty - I can convince anyone I'm a darling if I want to with my personality rather than having to rely upon my appearance), and I never get jealous over other girl's boyfriends (this only counts for when I was still in the dating game - I've been out of it for some time), and I am NEVER jealous over money - only writing. This is the way I am. I don't care enough about all those things to get ripping mad over them. I just don't care about them, but writing is something that I care a lot about and it makes me behave unreasonably. So, when I say that I am a freaking brat - I mean it.

One of the symptoms that I am a brat is that I will only take harsh criticism from people who have proven that they're better than me. If someone doesn't write better than me then (depending on their comments, which are sometimes meaningful) I am more than likely to file it under 'g' for 'garbage' in my brain. This is because I'm a giant baby when it comes to criticism and my writing career is taking me to a place where everyone wants a piece of me and people like to pull me in different directions. So, in order to maintain my sanity and in order to maintain my vision of the kind of writer I want to be - I must be choosy about who I take hardcore advice from.

So, this past weekend, I was on a little vacation. I was visiting the English teacher in my life. Oddly enough, he never taught me an English class, and I am always sorry that I couldn't have been in his class. It was impossible at the time, but since I know him personally, I get to lay all my writing troubles at his feet and listen to his advice. But since I get the impression that he's not very interested in talking shop with me, I have to keep my comments and questions brief, so these are always rare moments. Once again I feel the bitterness of not being able to find a mentor that will hold my hand periodically as I proceed along my path to being an exciting writer. I've been cranky about this fact since I was thirteen and I have almost started to accept that I am never going to find that person. So, I don't have that kind of relationship with the English teacher in my life. Instead, I can only ask his opinion a couple of times a year.

So, I told him my troubles and he told me the following, which I will try to quote as accurately as possible (probably impossible).

"It's exactly like when you take your car to a mechanic and he does a wonderful job fixing your car, but when you get home you get out of the driver's seat you see that he accidentally dropped a spot of grease on the seat. You're wearing a new suit and he's totally ruined it because of his carelessness. He's still an excellent mechanic, but because he didn't take care for the details he becomes a terrible tradesman. People like details."

The interpretation of this story - I am the mechanic. I looked at him and I almost wanted to cry or slide onto the carpet and put my head on his knee because I needed comforting. He saw straight through me. He saw me as the mechanic, which I clearly am. This is the story of my life. If I make an error - it's usually the little things instead of the big ones. I'm the type that doesn't mop the baseboards. And yeah, it would make me uncomfortable if someone noticed dust there. But when kids review on fanfiction.net, they usually don't point out how many mistakes I make. The true reason why - they don't know what's correct so they can't call me on it.

I didn't cry myself to sleep, but the older I get the more I realize that I need to go back to college for this. Otherwise, I can never compete with those who really know their stuff. This really hurts me since I can't do that. I'm not even sure I want to be the kind of writer who caters to publishing companies. When I read the criteria for manuscripts, I usually cringe. I don't want to write what they want to publish.

The truth of it is - I am not hardcore enough to write what will sell without paying attention to what I want. I can't write anything I'm not passionate about, so I can't write for them. I am going to be an online writer forever and I have to decide right now if that's good enough for me.

Hmmm ... I really am lazy.