The Deadlies

All right, here's what I'm supposed to do for this exercise. I'm supposed to pick out one of a collection of vices out of a hat and then write five ways that particular vice has a negative influence in my life. This may or may not be interesting.

1. Work
- I don't get my target house work done and then I feel gross about myself.
- I think people judge me when my house is less than perfect - or even downright dirty - and that makes me feel unhappy and slothful.
- I can't seem to keep the things I buy nice and I feel wasteful buying them over again.
- I especially feel bad when I have to throw out perfectly good food that I let pass the expiry date.
- I feel like everyone must be more on top of it than me since most women I know have jobs and don't just stay home with the kids.

2. Family/Friends
- My mom puts a negative spin on everything.
- I feel like my mom-in-law always talks down to me until I become a baby in front of her (and it's impossible to ever be anything else).
- One of my brothers always talks to me like I'm an idiot and he has to talk slowly so I'll understand.
- I let friendships with perfectly good people slide because I can't seem to find the time.
- I judge people prematurely.

3. Drugs
- I have never taken a recreation drug in my whole life. I've never even had one drag on a cigarette, so I'm going to skip this. It's pretty straightforward.

4. Family/Friends
- I scare people off because I'm too overpowering.
- I always think that whoever is talking to me doesn't actually want to talk to me and they're just looking for a way out.
- So I give them the way out and they're offended, because oops! They actually wanted to talk to me and then I'm the one who's rude.
- I worry that I don't spend enough time with my kids.
- What's enough?

5. Alcohol
- I have never had a drink in my life, so we'll go on.

6. Money
- I know that I waste about $100 a month on nothing in particular.
- I'm stingy with babysitter money, so then I never get out.
- If I spend money on projects I want to do and they don't pan out I feel like a loser.
- I'm really reluctant to experiment on projects if the money required isn't almost nothing.
- The same applies to classes I would like to take.

7. Food
- I eat a lot of junk that doesn't make me feel like working on my art.
- I don't drink enough water.
- Ice cream is my favourite and I know that I ditch almost any creative activity if there is going to be ice cream.
- I like eating out and I will ditch pretty much anything for crab cooked properly with tons of butter.
- I never order dessert and I should.

Sorry - I cheated a little. One of the vices I pulled was sex and I decided not to write about it. Like it's any of your business. Sheesh!

Check-in Week Eight and Nine

Before I commence my check-in, I'd like to explain that I slammed the two weeks together. Week eight is about strength and week nine is about compassion. Specifically, it's about having compassion for yourself for wasting your time/life not doing your art. This really doesn't apply to me. I have been working my tail off since I was 13. I don't feel anything when I read the chapter or read the tasks appointed for it. I took some time off because I was sick and I don't feel any guilt over it - so we're just going to move on. I'm sure Julia Cameron would support my decision. Though she might not be particularly happy with me rocketing through the course at this speed - I feel it's what's best for me. I'm even going to be sad when this is over and we only have three weeks left. So, here we go with the check-in.

1. I did my morning pages five out of seven days. I skipped because of the Sabbath and because I was getting up to live a dream - which I'm sure Julia would approve of. That whole day was swallowed up in loveliness, so it's okay. And yeah - I have been tempted to stop doing them. Sometimes I'm in a hurry to get on with my day. But I think I should continue to do them because they're helping me focus on what I really want to do. That way I'm open to suggestions, but not stupid ones. Sometimes my brain devises incredibly stupid ways to waste my time, but if I write out at the beginning of the day what I really want from it - it's more likely to get done. I don't have such a hard time working on my art, but I do have a hard time getting laundry folded and put away, so the morning pages are bringing me into the present.

2. Yes. I went out and bought flowers for my front yard. Then I planted them under the full moon because I couldn't find the time to do it during daylight. Planting flowers at night is weird. It got really dark and I had to turn on my Narnia lamp. Plus, the people across the street were thumping music from the speakers of their car as they all piled in to go to the bar. When they left I started jumping at every sound. I haven't been outside at night by myself in years.

3. I've said it before. Everything is falling into place. Mwhahahahaha. Now if only my book could get accepted for publication.

The Ninth Week.

1. You know, I can't think of any major creative U-turns that I've suffered from. I can't think of anything that's making me cry inside because I didn't do it. And that's not me being in denial. I've seldom had an opportunity that I haven't taken advantage of. The only thing I can think of is that I didn't take a collection of university writing courses that were recommended to me, but you know what? I think those bastards would have just ripped my guts out for a sadistic ego boost. I don't need university students or professors to like what I write. I think those courses would have murdered my artist child and I would have spent the rest of my life making oatmeal cookies from the same recipe. Because the core idea of the course was to read your writing aloud to a collection of students. YUCK! And I did send my book in to a publisher as soon as I felt I was ready.

Skip to:

4. The only other issue I can think of that's important to my recovery is that I finally have an author friend. I have never had an author friend before. I have known four other women who wrote books. Here's the deal with each of them. The first two have been women who I knew wrote novels. They knew I wrote novels and we never switched manuscripts and asked for suggestions or support. The next one is a friend of a friend who writes very badly. Grammar? Crap. Characters? Crap. Plot? Crap. There were so many errors it would take a remarkable amount of sensitivity and tact not to kill her with them. And who wants to do that? So, I didn't say anything. She'll have to figure it out on her own. Last one - her taste is so different from mine that it's not even worth the trouble. I'm trying to write black lace and she's trying to write divinity fudge.

Anyway, I finally have a friend with a similar streak. She's now given me her second novel to look over and I love it. She's read four of my books now too and she's given me pointers on how to improve without making me feel like a dolt. There's appropriate criticism for you. So, there's the beginnings of a sacred circle of artistic friends.

Colour Schemes - Orange

I am orange. I am vibrant, ugly, and I can't avoid being seen. I am rare - things don't usually come in orange. I am a creamsicle. I am feathers. I am ribbons. I'm the colour of your eyelids when you close your eyes to the sun and the colour of dreams you can't wake up from.

Goal Search

This may seem a little weird, but just go with it. I think this will work out without me saying what the questions I'm answering are. Here goes!

1. I want to be a novelist.

2. I would like to be approached by a big fancy publishing house, because they want to run a second edition of one of my books that has already been published. (Not that any of my books have been published - this is just a goal that would signify some accomplishment)

3. In five years I would like five of my existing novels published and me earning regular royalties. I'd like to make enough money so that I can say, 'I'm a novelist and I have been published' to idiots who need proof that I'm not a ridiculous blow-hard. And if I made enough money - at a small publishing house than maybe it wouldn't be ridiculous to get a second edition at a bigger house.

4. I could start by sending one of my books to a small publishing house and see if it gets picked up. If it does, I could send in my other books.

5. I already sent one of my books to a small house, so I could start by giving the next logical novel an edit. It needs it.

6. Make a plan. Here's the plan.
--Week One - Edit a chapter a day of the book I want to send in.
--Month One - Finish editing that book within the confines of the month.
--Year One - Besides editing, I have a new book I want to work on. I've got to work on new stuff rather than always concentrating on the old. And if I don't get accepted, I need to find a new publishing house to send my book to.

Check-in Week Seven

1. I wrote in my morning pages on six days out of seven. Yes, I have been daydreaming risky things. I talked about it last week. No, I'm not really pursuing things I was interested in as a child. I know that's what I'm supposed to be doing, but I already got a lot of my childhood dreams out of the way and I have kids, so there's always more than enough time to play with my kids and do the things I always dreamed of doing. Instead, I'm doing the things I dreamed about doing as a teenager. I'm painting. I'm growing roses. I'm so happy about my roses. Each bush has already bloomed, but now there are 24 new buds on the one bush and 20 on the other. Yee-ha!

2. No, I didn't go on my artist date this week. I weeded my garden and dug mushrooms and felt very rejuvenated, but I didn't do anything special. I didn't even get on a date with my husband. I gotta do that.

3. It feels like I experience nothing but mounds of synchronicity - though I would rather call them answers to prayers. Everything I want is almost instantly at my fingertips. It's like the Garden of Eden. Except that sometimes I get overwhelmed because there's so much going on and happening all at once that I feel like I'm in a time vortex. I'm also tired. It's hard to keep up with all the opportunity.

4. I talked to my sister about this program. She's going to borrow the book when I'm finished. Might as well pass on a good thing.

Check-in Week Six

1. I did my morning pages four days out of seven. I didn't do them on Sunday because I don't do them on Sunday and I missed yesterday and today. I missed yesterday because I had a disturbance in my schedule and then I didn't get to them until the afternoon and there didn't seem much point by then. Then I didn't do them today because I lost the book I was writing them in. Yes, I do think about how to help myself do my art with them. I felt pretty lost yesterday and today without doing them.

2. Artist dates are what they can be while I'm in this phase of life, so I try to notice beauty where ever I am, but I don't always have time to schedule time to myself - time just happens, so I try to make those times count. They show up when I least expect them. Thus - I just try to be open to noticing things. So, there's a fifteen minute artist date here and an hour and a half there. I do what I can do.

3. I didn't notice how much I kept my dreams and wishes to myself. I was at church and I happened to mention to someone that I wanted to buy tiny ice cream cones, but the place I had been buying them from didn't sell them anymore. The next week that same lady had seen them in her shopping and told me where to find them. It was like when I was a teenager and stupid about Brad Pitt. I didn't need to look for pictures of him - the whole community cut up their magazines and sent me the goods. People are truly amazing.

4. Something did happen that was interesting. I believed that I didn't have a valuable story in me. Well, when I was on a road trip with my family this past weekend, I crossed my legs in the passenger seat and engaged in a little meditation exercise when an idea for a novel crept up on me. No fantasy. No explosions. No fireworks. Actually, it's a story inside me that would be quite painful for me to tell. So painful that I tried to get out of it. First - I didn't write out my idea. Sometimes if I don't write out the idea - I'll forget it. So, I didn't write out a storyboard. Then I told my husband. Sometimes the very act of telling someone else your idea is enough to help me lose steam. But I didn't. Then, I started writing out some character sketches telling myself that I could quit anytime I wanted to. But I wasn't finished and I was bothered by it until I started working on the first chapter. But I keep telling myself that I can quit whenever I want. All I can say is that I have wicked flow because the ideas just keep coming.

Several Assignments

None of my assignments were writing assignments this week, so here's what happened with my other challenges.

I was supposed to bake something. Well, I cook a lot and I tried to make some things that I don't normally make - which all resulted in failure most paramount. Seriously - disasters all of them. I don't think I was supposed to fail as completely as I did. I think I was supposed to gain energy for other projects and I did - sort of.

Then I was also supposed to practice saying 'yes' to freebie's. Today, when I was buying my nephew's birthday cake (yeah, I know I could have baked that, but he said he wanted an ice cream cake and I'm not adventurous enough to do that just now considering my track record), so they asked me if I wanted anything written on it. It was a cake with a fire breathing dragon on it, so I said 'yes' to a freebie and asked them to put a big beefy arm coming out of the back of its neck. My nephew thought that was great even though the arm wasn't beefy at all. We joked that they wouldn't know majesty if it bit them in the face. Good times.

Lastly, I was supposed to do something to change my environment. I couldn't think of much to do considering how busy I am these days, so I bought a box. I mean I bought a really pretty box that matches my bed skirt and valances to put all my little books in. They were in an ancient shoe box that wasn't big enough for them all.

Check-in Week Five

1. I did my morning pages on everyday except Sunday and I didn't do about a half a page today because I was daring myself to do something in my morning pages, so I got up and did the thing I was daring myself to do rather than finish writing. I have noticed that I get to a turning point in my morning writing about half way through. Sometimes I come up with interesting insights after that point, but mostly I just whine about having to continue writing.

2. I didn't do an official artist date this week, but I did get to go clothing shopping and revamp parts of my wardrobe. I bought a really wild purple dress. I wonder when I'll get to wear it in public. And I did get out to the movies - the first time in months. It felt great to get out of the house for awhile on both occasions. No, I haven't done anything really adventurous. I wish I could think of something adventurous to do.

3. I have had lots of things fall into place for me as I've thought about them. And I habitually talk to my friends about the blessings I receive when I ask God for them. My favourite is telling people to pray before they go shopping. I have had the most amazing miracles come my way. My favourite was the the time that I dreamed that I went to the Salvation Army and there was a huge children's book sale on. When I woke up in the morning, I hadn't heard of a sale, but I was like - I should just get up and go. I could probably find a couple kids books there even if there isn't a sale. There was. I got 'One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish' for ten cents and a whole bunch of other books too. Really, I have countless stories about this.

4. There is something else that has been happening lately. I've been having dreams about old friends. I had a friend in school that I have always wanted to apologize to and I've never had the chance. I had a dream a week or two ago that I saw her and told her I was sorry. It was so strange, but in my dream, she told me that it was nothing to worry about and she was sorry that I'd been bothered by it for so long. And when I woke up - I realized that was exactly what she would say. I felt instantly lighter and happier.

I also had a dream that I told one of my friends from high school that I was hurt when she moved away after graduation. I remember helping her pack and I knew that once she left I would probably never see her again. I remember walking away from her house and squashing my hurt so far down into my stomach that I couldn't even feel it. I thought I had successfully severed the feeling until I had that dream. Then I knew I hadn't got rid of it even though I tried because I felt the sting all over again. I really was hurt. And it felt great to get it off my chest.

I've had a few others too, but those were the most remarkable.

Oh, and it's amazing how cowardly I turn when I'm about to send in my first manuscript - to a company who has asked for it no less. My knees are shaking.

Cartoon of Me

For this assignment, I'm supposed to draw a cartoon of myself indulging in my favourite pay-off, which I previously decided was self pity. Why didn't I actually draw it instead of just searching the internet until I found a pic? Because I plan on using this pic for my desktop for awhile just to see how it effects me.

Just for interest's sake - right now my desktop is a picture of Hugh Jackman in 'The Fountain'. It's not a close up or anything. It's just him walking towards the queen with all those beautiful little floating lanterns in the distance. It was inspiring me, but I still haven't really felt like writing - so how inspiring was it really?

Let's see how this works.

A Supportive God

This is the post where I write five reasons why I have trouble believing in a supportive god. Before I get started though, I would like to point out that this isn't an assignment I want to do. I'm doing it because I'm aware that it will explore my feels towards a god I believe in. And if I have issues with Him, I should talk to him about them. So, here's why.

1. I've always believed that God would help me do the things He wanted me to do, and for some reason that always made me believe that He wouldn't help me with the things I wanted to do. So, I've believed He would help me with missionary work, institute attendance, my callings in church, employment, and so forth. I just didn't think He had the energy to spare His attention for things that weren't essential.

2. For many years, I didn't believe that anyone loved me besides my mother, so why would God?

3. I also didn't believe that anyone cared enough about me to help me when I asked, not even my mother, so why would God?

4. I keep thinking that I should be pursuing something else rather than creativity. Like my mother says that I should be concentrating on my kids. This chops me up. I have no idea how to do that. I read to them. I'll read to them endlessly. I cook with them. I invite them to do a kid version of whatever thing I'm doing. I'm painting - I let them paint too. I'm crocheting, I let them plastic canvas or bead. But it's never enough. I'm always being told that they're not progressing as they should and I need to do more. I don't know how. I don't even like kid culture. The thing is - for some reason I think the voice of my mother is the voice of God. Not really, but yes - really. And if she disapproves - God must too.

5. Sometimes I'm not sure that my art deserves God's approval. If I'm writing a book solely as a rebuttal to a crappy book I read - that doesn't seem particularly worthy of God's sanction, now does it?

So, with this list - I've done pretty well dispelling 1, 2, and 3, but 4 and 5 are hard. Let's go through each of them again with a little more thinking behind each one.

1. The older I get the more I see that the things I want to do are not out of line with what God wants. I've spoken with Him a lot and I've become accustomed to how He speaks to me now. He wants me to make my own decisions and see what happens. He wants me to have the experience of life and He doesn't want to protect me from minor screw-ups. Well, sometimes He doesn't. Sometimes He does. The point is - He will swoop in and rescue me when I need it and He'll let me fall face first in the mud if I need it. He's really a very wise parent. It just took me awhile to learn how He speaks.

Lately, in my church they keep talking about good, better, and best. Thus, we are supposed to aim for the best things. Somewhere in my mind, that means that we're supposed to dedicate every moment we can to the highest of spiritual things, but that's not really possible. I think we're supposed to remember to take enough time for them and then - live life the best way you can. Sometimes that means watching a movie. Sometimes that means taking a nap as soon as you get up. Everyone has down times. We're human and we deserve them. You can't live your whole life on 100% efficiency.

2. As I have grown up, I see the people who care for my children. There are scads of them. It seems unreasonably pessimistic to believe that fewer people cared for me. Not only that, but my husband's passion for loving me opens a world of possibility and makes life less dreary than ever before.

3. I think my mother unconsciously taught me that no one would ever help me. I remember sitting on a bus stop in my early twenties crying my eyes out and screaming and swearing because it was minus twenty five outside and I had missed my bus. The next one wasn't coming for 45 minutes and if I missed the bus than how could God or anyone else claim to love me when I had had the shoddiest day in the universe and would now have to wait 45 minutes for the bus in the cold and wind and snow? The bus pulled up. That's not my only proof that God wants to help me.

But as I have grown up - I have scads of resources available to me that I didn't have when I was growing up. The only thing a person has to do is ask and I'll dish it out. I just don't know what people need so they have to speak up. I think my mom taught me never to speak up. But she didn't do it on purpose and she's often got angry with me. "If you needed that, then why didn't you say so?"

4. I've often wondered exactly how much God supports me when it comes to raising my children. Sometimes I think he takes care of a lot more than I realize. My negative side tells me that my kids go to special programs because I'm a shoddy mother. My positive side tells me that God knows this is my weak point and He's helping me with my kids with the special programs.

5. I think the reason my writing is unworthy of God's approval because my writing is usually as moth eaten as my soul. I don't think I have an uplifting story in me, so why would he want to drag everyone down?

I'll have to think about this one some more.

Ten Things I Want

This is something I wanted to do. I'm supposed to make a list of ten things I want to own that I don't. This totally reminds me of The Simpson's episode where Marge is like, "I'm going to stay here and think about things I'd like to purchase. Ooo! I don't have that. Or that." So this should be fun.

1. I want a scooter. I know it's a stupid idea. It's not like we have enough summer here to make it viable and it's not like I have anywhere to go that it's not more convenient to take my van. This one is for sale in my city for $1,400. I want it. BUT! I'm not going to buy it. I'm going to save this little dream of mine for another time.

2. I want a huge crock pot. No. I'm not looking up a picture for you guys. No way. Anyway, I don't think I'll wait longer than a couple years for this dream. It's just that right now I have two crock pots and they seem to be cooking enough of everything for the time being.

3. I want a swing for my backyard. Not like one of those sissy kid swings. I want an adult swing with a canopy and a plush cushion.

4. I want a full-length orange ball gown with sleeves. I know. Where would I wear it? Probably no where. And if I had it, it probably wouldn't be a good thing. I'd probably turn into that crazy old bat from 'Great Expectations'.

I have to take a breath. All this greed is overwhelming me. I don't usually allow myself to fantasize about possessions, because actually I hardly believe in them.

5. I want an ironing board in the wall of my bedroom. You know, the kind that folds out that you find in hotel rooms. That would make things so much easier.

6. I would like a crib. My last crib died after having been moved in and out of rooms too many times. Now I have to use a collapsible playpen. Yeah!

7. I would like a dressing table. And there's really nothing stopping me from getting one, except that there isn't room in my room. My room is already a pretty crowded place and it's not a particularly big place.

8. I would like a DVD copy of 'Shadowlands'. It's not for me, but for my father-in-law. Actually, I have hunted high and low in stores and online for a copy of this to give him. I can't find anything under $40 and I'm almost ready to pay that, even though it's a ridiculous price.

9. I'd like a cell phone, even though I don't admit that in public much. I just don't want to pay a monthly fee and it would only be useful once or twice a month. We're all such home dwellers.

10. I would like a new winter coat. I keep seeing one I like in the Victoria Secret catalog I only get because the lady who lived here before me got it. Except I don't want to pay shipping and it doesn't look very warm. But then, what looks warm besides marshmallow coats and I know for a fact - those aren't as warm as they should be. The warmest coat I ever wore weighted like 25 pounds and was full of goose down. It was my dad's and then mine and then my husband's when we couldn't afford a new one for him. Well, he wore it out and now I don't have anything good. Maybe this winter I'll fork out for something I like.