Beta Reading Jungle

Sometimes I think I'm ready to blow my top. I'm not a bad person and I'm not a particularly bad author, but sometimes I think I'm ready to blow my top. I was going to sit down for a healthy rant session here, but I think that would be a bad idea. Instead I'm going to explain a problem of mine.

I like COMPLETE CREATIVE CONTROL when I write something. To have my work hashed over by anyone drives me absolutely bonkers. I don't think that I'm the type of person who will ever get anything published, because I can't stand to have every dang sentence I write picked apart like it's a dead purple frog pinned to a gigantic hunk of wax. I know that this is something that every one who wants to be an author has to learn (how to take criticism), but for bloody sake, I get criticized on not wanting to be criticized.

The truth is that writing for me is a matter of personal expression. If I can't tell the story the way I want to tell it - EXACTLY - then I might as well not have written it. Naturally, my opinion changes and I learn what works better over time, but I have to be the one to learn it rather than the information being handed to me in the form of a ravaged, dissected, slippery, icky amphibian. This is why beta reading doesn't work for me very well. I'm too stupid and too stubborn to listen when someone has something intelligent to say. The problem is - I've been misled before. You see, I love my mother a great deal and she told me that if I wanted to be a good writer then I should read. This is an incredible mound of B.S. and I ate it up. This is SO untrue that it hurts my feelings even now (though I've long forgiven her for it). I've even learned that reading corrupts my inner voice and ruins my writing. A real author writes exactly from their heart and doesn't make patchwork quilts of other people's writing or ideas ... So, now I'm doubtful of every snippet of advice that is given to me.

Another problem is that people who want to write themselves volunteer to beta read for me. This doesn't work. They shouldn't waste their time on my work and should write themselves - ignoring whatever I'm doing. Maybe they think that it'll help them with their work. I think it shoves them into a box labeled 'Sapphirefly's Stuff' when they want to be in a box labeled 'My Stuff'.

You know, if I wasn't such an idiot, I wouldn't need a beta reader at all - not to offend my girl Kaytala. She rocks! And her contributions to my writing have always been the right blend of sugar and spice. But there's always someone on my back telling me that I'm doing something wrong and they want to beta read for me in order to clean it up. And the really weird thing is - they honestly believe they can help me. After long deliberation I learned that I cannot help anyone improve their writing. I don't know what made me so egotistical in the beginning for me to believe that I knew enough to give anyone tips. I was a MORON! [See? Isn't that a great paragraph? I start off saying I'm an idiot and finish off saying that I'm a moron. Way to tie things together!]

I guess what I want to say is that when Kaytala decides that she will no longer do projects for me. It's been a long time since I asked her since I haven't really been working on anything interesting. I'm so pathetically ill. But! When that day comes - I won't be getting a new beta reader. I'll swallow my errors and work harder to improve them on my own, but MERCY ME I've had it up to my earlobes with people telling me what to do. BACK OFF!

Opes! I ranted. Dang.

The End of 'Mark of a Goddess'

I finished writing 'Mark of a Goddess' the week before Christmas last year, before I got sick. Since then I've received an unusual amount of mail from readers complaining that they didn't understand the end. Here's an excerpt (just for your information):

At this moment, Hitomi suddenly seized on an idea. “Van, look at the test for me.”

“What test?”

“I took a pregnancy test just now. It’s on the vanity. I’m too scared to look at it. What if it’s negative? Please Van,” Hitomi asked, as her eyes filled to their brims with real tears. “Please Van.”

Van sighed. He got up and picked up the test and then the cardboard box that contained the instructions on how to read it.

“What does it say?” Hitomi asked with her hands over her eyes. She couldn’t see Van and his reaction then.

Van didn’t answer her.

“What does it say?” Hitomi asked again, gaining courage and taking her hands away from her eyes.

Van’s chin was tilted thoughtfully. Finally he said softly, “It says that Dragon’s are lucky, little goddess.”

Well, lately (and when I say 'lately', I mean months ago) I received some very strong criticism on my story 'Ghost Mist' because some of the technical points of the story are briefly reviewed from time to time. I was told by a fellow amateur author that there was absolutely no need for repetition - the reader got it. I explained to this reader/writer that I had a lot of experience with my readers not understanding portions of my story that I felt were clearly explained. I found a little review here and there reduced their need to ask me what was going on. But, beloved readers, don't get the wrong idea. I love it when people send me comments on my writing, but I get concerned about the strength of my writing (and my explanations) if people write in that they don't understand. I'm still struggling with the concept - whether or not is better to spell everything out in perfect black and white so there is no room for interpretation, or to just assume that the reader understood the first time.

However, in the case of the end of 'Mark of a Goddess', I feel like there is a need for clarification since I have received so many comments, but I'll warn you right now, you aren't going to get what you want by reading this.

You see, I intended the ending to be ambiguous - so that the reader could have the ending they wanted. A sweet, romantic-type person would want Hitomi to be pregnant at the end of the series. A realistic person would be swayed by the facts that I had already outlined in the story and accept a less than ideal ending.

I have a definite preference, but I struggle between the two choices myself because I see the need to fulfill both desires. I couldn't stand someone telling me that my hardcore story was deflated because of a corny ending and I couldn't stand someone telling me that I ruined the story for them because I couldn't give them a happy ending. I might be letting both sides of the argument down by not picking a team to play for, but that seemed like a much happier alternative than choosing the wrong one.

See? I knew I wouldn't satisfy anyone with that explanation. But I'm still trapped in my dilemma as to whether or not things need to be clearly and precisely described, or whether I can leave things to my readers' imaginations. All I know is that my writing was a lot less popular when I didn't explain things in detail ... and that even after I argued with that guy I still think I'm right about what works best for me. He thought I was arrogant with no reason to be. Well, hahahahahaha, he didn't know anything about my fandom at fanfiction.net, now did he? Ah! That's good balm to put on his cat scratches.