The Colour of Angst

Okay, so today I'm angst-ridden. Why? Cause I am. I wanted to write about something on my giant list of things I wanted to cover on this blog, but instead I have discovered that I only want to talk about how angsty I'm feeling about my writing. So, why am I feeling angst-ridden? Cause I am. Grrr!

I don't actually have a good reason for being angst-ridden. If I had a good reason, I could talk myself out of it, but seeing how things are ... thibbbit!

Okay, so my story 'Mark of a Goddess' is progressing nicely. At least I think it is. I'm trying to work hard on it so that I can put it behind me and work on 'Ghost Mist', but there's a problem. I keep going back and looking at my old stacks for that story and realizing how much I suck. I think I'm getting dilusions of granduer regarding that whole series. I think I've been thinking in my head that they're better than they are. When really, they're only average ... maybe below average. I asked Kaytala if she thought I was losing my edge and she says 'no', but when I look at my old stuff - I feel crushed. For instance, I can't stand to read the first chapter of 'Dragon's Moon'. I have read and edited that damn chapter at least 200 times and I can't stand to even look at it, but when I glance at it for some reason or other - I'm sickened. Holy crap it sucks! How did anyone even wade through that garbage to get to the better stuff. But I can't edit that chapter again. I've been editing it for years and I'm not going to edit it again unless someone is going to pay me for it.

Then there's 'Ghost Mist'. I feel like this is better. When I cook, I've taken to explaining and telling the plot to myself (since I already know 'Mark of a Goddess' inside out and backwards). And so even though my storyboards are not 100% complete, it feels like I'm seven years old again and I've got two dollars that are burning a hole so deep into my pocket that they're scorching my leg. I want to write it SO badly.

But I really feel like I have no right to complain. 'Mark of a Goddess' is doing well. I've been very blessed with interested fans, and because of my writing, I've been able to make some new friends. So, I really don't have a right to be so angsty. But *whine and bottom lip trembling* I really want to be angsty.